Young Man, Older Man: Why Intergenerational Love Works

Intergenerational relationships are often referred to as "May to December," if only because one person is in the awakening spring of life while the other is entering the dormant winter. Such liaisons have existed for centuries, of course, but in today's celebrity culture, we glorify cougars like Celine (and her Rene) and the proto-cougar, Demi Moore, who managed to bag Aston Kutcher -- 26 and 15 years' difference, respectively.

Often in the gay world, there appears to be even less acceptance and more catty criticism about such age-differing partnerships. The daddy-son complex is often mentioned. Chicken hawk, cradle robber, gold digger and grave digger are just some of the terms we use for predators young-on-old and vice-versa.

But where are we -- or maybe, where should we be -- in terms of accepting that sometimes, birds of a feather don't flock together, that like doesn't always choose like? What if -- gasp! -- some older men and younger really do make a go of it.

I had the opportunity to speak with other male couples who are in, or have been in such similar type relationships, to find out how much age disparity plays a role and, if so, how they are able to overcome it.

"Boys Who Love Men Who Love Boys"
Canadian writer Gerald Hannon made headlines in late 1977 when he published his now infamous article "Men Loving Boys Loving Men" for a local Toronto queer publication, "The Body Politic." He wanted to shed light on the fact that such relationships do exist in a consensual context; nor should they be categorized as pedophilia, molestation, or predatory.

"I've always been attracted to younger partners, and my most recent affair was two years ago with someone 30 years my junior. It lasted six months, and it was he who sought me out", explains Hannon, now 67. That often happens, he adds, even though most of us subscribe to the stereotype of the older man preying on the younger one.

For Hannon, age differences are no bigger or less an obstacle than anything else in the complexities that make up a relationship. "It does help to be a bit eccentric", he laughs. He recalls the first gay couple he met back in 1968 as having a 20-year age difference between them. They remained a couple for many years, eventually opting for an open relationship and maintained a strong friendship until the death of the elder partner.

Two Un-Married Men

Mac and Bob are 16 years apart. Both had been married to women: Bob is widowed and Mac divorced. Bob didn't come out until about 15 years after his wife's death, when he was 65 years old.

They each have children and grandchildren from those marriages. They have now been together for 22 years. They were introduced to each other by another intergenerational couple, where the younger partner was about 18 at the time.

"Our commitment to each other was to stay together as long as life or love lasts," Mac says. Bob, now 87, adds that "mutual respect and understanding for each other, and the freedom to do things together as well as separately" has been the key to their success.

Mac simply sees Bob as his "best friend and lover." The most challenging aspect for Bob is being less active and able than Mac in many regards. On Mac's end, "It's the misunderstandings that occur in their conversations."

The two men continue to have dinners and parties and attend social events with younger gay men. They also host a group called "Word4Play," which deals with four-letter words and what they mean in our lives. "Most of the men in the group are younger than us, some by a generation or more," Mac explains.

Both men agree that staying within the legal ages, whatever and where ever that may be, is a good and safe thing to do when considering consensual sexual relations of any sort. The gentlemen currently maintain a website called the Speights of Life, depicting life as a journey.

Paul White also publishes a website, his called Gray Gay. It's a place for mature gay men and their admirers. He categorizes an intergenerational relationship as "more than 25 years apart in age, since that is accepted cycle of each generation."

"I realized I was attracted to older men when I was a teenager," he relates. "I met my first partner when I was 22. He was 55 and we were together for around 18 years, but gradually the nature of our relationship changed, as I wanted to live together and he didn't." British-born White is now 53 and living with his current partner in Australia, whom he met 16 years ago and is 79 years old.

"I knew I was gay and I knew I only liked older men, but I found it impossible to find positive impressions of such relationships," White complains. "I am firmly of the opinion that any successful relationship requires that you to have a common interest that you share, as well as allowing for your differences."

As for his opinion on age of consent, "Certainly I knew physically I was attracted to older men at the age of 14, but I am not so sure I could have dealt with it emotionally unlike I had my first experience at 18."

Chasing Older Men Since College
Aaron realized he was attracted to older men in high school, but only acted upon in during his later years in college, after a few unsuccessful dates with guys his own age. Today he also publishes an online reference tool for others, cleverly titled Gay to December, which is partially a narrative of his own life experiences, as well as a resource of information on intergenerational relationships. Currently he is in a four-year relationship with someone who is more than 40 years older than himself.

"About three years ago I started writing my blog to help me explore what I was thinking and feeling about the serious intergenerational relationship I had just begun," he tells EDGE. "I also hoped that it would offer a sense of solace to those other younger men out there that were interested in an age disparate relationship."

For Aaron, age difference really becomes a factor after 10 years. "I relate very well with older men and value their experience, but I'm also simply more physically attracted to them than men my own age," he says. "Having mutual friends can be challenging. I tend to get along fairly well with most of my partner's friends who are 40 or older, but my friends often have difficulty relating, even though they like and respect my partner."

As for role models, Aaron points to the activism and openness about his sexuality of Sir Ian McKellen (a septuagenarian). He also finds the decades-long love story of writer Christopher Isherwood and the much younger Don Bachardy inspiring.

Isherwood's Lover Speaks
Bachardy himself has always been in age-differential relationships ever since his first long term commitment with the renowned English playwright and novelist, whose stories were the basis for "Cabaret."

"I just fell into it by following my instincts," Bachardy says. "I didn't go out looking for an older man." Isherwood was 30 years his elder --one year older than his own father.

While he wouldn't apply it to every intergenerational relationship, his relationship with Isherwood "provided many opportunities to role play both in bed and in life, which I found to be an enhancement." Bachardy was only 18 when he was introduced to Isherwood at a party by Bachardy's older brother (also gay). They moved in together a year later and lived as partners for 33 years until Isherwood's death.

"In the early 1950's, this was a widely unconventional relationship," Bachardy relates. "There was no hiding the fact of our relationship with Chris' public profile. I was brought into his circle of friends, and soon realized I had to make something of myself." So, partly at Isherwood's instigation and inspiration, he become an artist.

Eventually the couple embarked on an open relationship, "Yet we always slept entangled together. Somehow I think we had a whole different relationship while we slept. Chris had a fear of dying in a hospital, and asked if I would take care of him at home -- which is what I did until the very end."

A few years after Isherwood's death, Bachardy repeated the pattern when he began dating a man 26 years younger than himself. That relationship lasted 10 years; they still remain close enough friends to speak daily on the phone. "It was fascinating for me to be playing Chris' role in that relationship", he confesses.

So what's his opinion on such relationships? "I don't think there is anything more natural in the world, and I don't know any other kind. I had sex with others before I met Chris, and think that young people should be the one deciding for themselves who they want to experiment with."

As Hannon made reference to, Bachardy reiterates that it's most often the younger one who makes the first advance. Today, Bachardy still lives in the same house where he cared for his life partner until his death and continues his painting. This fall, he will be exhibiting portraits made over the last 40 years depicting acclaimed artists from Southern California. Currently, at 78, he has a personal trainer with whom he works out with three times a week for 1 hour and 15 minutes.

NAMBLA Still Questioning Age of Consent
David Thorstad is a former president of New York's Gay Activists Alliance, a co-founder of both New York's Coalition for Lesbian and Gay Rights, and also one of the founders of the hyper-controversial North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA).

Thorstad's definition of an intergenerational couple is simply one between an older and a younger person, sexual or not. He finds relationships with teenagers both challenging and rewarding at the same time. "The youngest partner I had was 14 when I met him, and we remained friends throughout his life until he died at age 33," he recollects.

There were no role models to refer to when Thorstad was exploring his relationships, so it was helpful to be able to talk other men familiar in similar situations. Thus, he says, NAMBLA members were of considerable help to him.

"The most important period in gay history where intergenerational relationships were concerned was undoubtedly in Germany during the early homosexual movement, before identity politics ran amok as it has in the American gay movement for the past couple of decades," he says. "No such flowering of boy-love, or pederastic groups or publications has occurred anywhere else in comparison to the first decades of the twentieth century in Germany."

The subject of how low the age of consent should be is a contentious issue. Most gay rights group consider it toxic.

The Department of Justice Canada website uses words such as "exploitation," "control," "trust," "authority," "peer group," "prostitution," "pornography" and "dependency" -- all indications that any such relationship is taboo, illegal, and punishable under the criminal code. In fact, it now references age of consent as "age of protection," thus associating any age difference relationships with a negative context.

In Canada, the legal age of consent was raised from 14 to 16 years in 2008 for both heterosexual and homosexual citizens. However, there are many exceptions for "close in age" sexual activity within this younger demographic, and it suddenly becomes 18 years if the younger person is deemed to have been "exploited."

"The entire concept of age of consent in the law is a fraud", Thorstad believes. "The only guideline ought to be 'effective consent," and it is usually quite clear whether consent has been given or not in any relationship. Age has little to do with consent -- though the younger the one partner is in such a relationship, the more complicated it can become. The law ought to treat each situation on a case by case basis, rather than impose a blanket and artificial age at which sex becomes acceptable."

Most people automatically relegate any relationship with legal minors as out of bounds. But there are others -- not only the old, but the younger partner -- who consider such boundaries artificial. Whether these fall within the boundaries of acceptable behavior or not, the fact remains that younger men are often attracted to older ones; sometimes, they're much older.

Intergenerational relationships will remains for the foreseeable the stuff of snide innuendo if not outright illegality. But for those inside those relationships, what works, works.